Why should I keep fighting Anorexia and Depression when it is so damn hard, I just want to give up today

 Fighting Anorexia and Depression is soo damn hard

It is a struggle each day to find a reason to get up, to move, to use up energy to get out of bed.  Yes my kids are my motivation, if I didn't have them I do wonder what would happen to me.  I am pretty sure I wouldn't be here. And yes my pugs are also my reason. Can't let a pug miss a meal, they'll die lol.  Lately though it is getting harder and harder to keep going every day.

I know I am in a dark dark place when I don't even want to "Art".  I cannot find any inspiration to paint, to sculpt, or a reason or desire to paint.  It's the lack of desire that worries me, painting has kept me going for a few years, but I have hit a road block, why bother painting when no one is willing to buy them?  Maybe they are not good enough, maybe I don't know how to sell myself, or maybe I am just too fat to deserve to have anything good happen.  These are only a few of the "nice" thoughts that flow through my head daily.

Just recently I was painting the chocolate Easter bunnies for the Art and soul Studio blog, and I was also recording it for YouTube, when I felt like a hammer hit me and I just went from "ok" to barely able to talk, move or paint.  The depression literally hit me like a bat, right to the face.  I had to stop videoing because I started to cry.  I felt like this for hours, but I had to get this painting done, so I forced myself to keep going, but I barely spoke at the end of the video.  I just want to know why?  Why do I feel this way, why do I have to have this feeling.  Why can't I be normal?  

I don't shower for weeks sometimes, nor wash my hair.  I always get up for my kids and do everything I have to do, but it is like I am a non feeling robot that feels too much.  Does that make sense?  I feel nothing, empty, but I also feel too much.

I recently applied for a job, for mothers returning to work.  First off they asked for professional references.  This bit broke my confidence a bit, I don't have any, I am a mother, nothing more.  So I got around this, and I actually got an interview (of course my head justified it by saying I was the biggest loser of the people who applied).  I recently had the interview, and the people conducting the interview were friendly and nice, nothing bad to say about them.  The questions I had to answer though were all based around work experiences and problems.  I got flustered to start with, like I said this job was aimed at people who hadn't worked for a while.  I had no "stories" about work to tell, all I had was my family life, so I tried to relate it back to that.  Meanwhile my heart was breaking knowing that I sounded like an obsessed Mum, when the truth is I just want to get out there and support my family financially as well.  I'd prefer that to be by selling my art and making wonderful YouTube tutorials, but alas it may not be lol.  Needless to say I have not received that phone call saying I got the job.  Good luck to the person who got it, well done.

I live in the past, my husband will tell you that, I regret having my daughters so early, I DO NOT regret them at all.  I just wish I had the same perfect girls 5 years later, so I could experience life.  I am kind of over that one now, took about 20 years lol.  
I regret gaining weight in the past two years.  I regret trying to beat Anorexia, because now I am what I feared I would become.  Fat, the worst thing ever to happen to anybody, ever (insert sarcasm there, I am joking), except I do believe it :(

 See, there I was, skinny, I never sweated, I barely got hungry and I could walk for hours and not get tired.  It was when I stopped moving that the exhaustion would hit.  I lost another ten kg on top of this photo.  I miss being that skinny that I would give up painting for it.  Unfortunately I know I will have to give up everything, including my family and my life if I go back to this.  It calls to me all day everyday, I cry for it, I yearn for it, but I can never have it again.  I just can't seem to get it out of my head.  The only thing in the world I was ever good at.  Losing weight, and losing it fast.  I am not allowed to date her again, to dance with her, to embrace her.

I took worse photos than this, my back was so bony it hurt to sit on anything, but I liked it.  No pain, no gain.  Why am I posting this, good question.  I have no idea, maybe it's kind of a therapy for me to talk about it.  I don't have many people to talk to, most people just want me to shut up when I talk about being skinny.  Others just don't know what to say.  All I know is that I miss it like crazy.  That said I never ever want to go back to the Doctors appointments every week, people thinking I am crazy, the brain fog and the inability to do anything.  I wasted so many years because my brain just didn't work.  What if I had of started painting then?  I'd be years ahead of what I am now.  Regrets, I am filled with them.  A wish I have.....that I got help earlier for my Anorexia.  When I was young there was only really television I had as a reference.  I believed to be anorexic one had to starve, never eat. so with that in mind I never was Anorexic.  How could I be?  I did eat, minimally.  Now I know that is a fallacy, but I learnt it too late.  So how do I stop yearning for something I know will kill me if I embrace her again?  Any answers?  Me neither.

 I hate myself for not being able to go to my eldest daughter's university graduation last year, that sucker broke my heart.  Anxiety won on that one and I will never ever forgive myself for that.  "She doesn't want to be seen with her fat mum," is all that played in my head for months. 

I gave my kids "the anxiety" and I wish I hadn't.  I am taking every step needed to get them the help to fight it themselves.  They deserve every happiness and I will fight for that, that is worth fighting for.  That is why I get up, because if they see me give in, then maybe they might too.  That is not acceptable.  They cannot give in.

I have considered ECT (Electro Convulsive Therapy aka Electric Shock), but I have heard that it takes away memories.  Memories of my kids being born, meeting my husband, getting married and of course, the pugs.  If I could be guaranteed I wouldn't lose them I would do it.  To get rid of the depression.  I just want to feel content, to feel something other than despair and emptiness.  Anyone had ECT?  Did it work?  Is it the magic pill I have been looking for?  Will it make me normal?

This is me, 2016, June, winter for Australia.  I can tell you that I weighed 34kgs here, I can tell you that I walked endlessly in the snow to make sure I got my exercise in, I ate some dinner, I drank a little.  I also threw up some dinner as well.  But this moment, we were all jumping off a little snow bank in slow motion, all the kids and my hubby and I.  I felt normal for a fleeting second, I enjoyed myself, I was normal.  This is why I keep trying I guess, to get this moment again.  Just one more time.  I wasn't worried about my weight while I was jumping, quick as it may have been, it was glorious.

So here I am, wondering what is next, because I was sure 2019 was going to be my year.  Do I get up everyday and keep going, yes I do, because it's what humans do.  Do I have to get over this damn obsession with skin and bones.  Yes I do, I have to but it's so damn hard.  Do I keep painting and trying to get better and find my style.  I don't know, I just don't know. 

Sorry for the sad downer post, I just needed to vent today.  I hope everybody is having a day, just a day, where if all you can do is watch tv, then watch tv and do it well.  You can only do what you can do, and mental illness is something that needs to be understood, because Doctors think they know, but they don't.  Like Jon Snow, they know nothing, and they are usually nowhere near as good looking as Jon Snow.  

Please take care of yourselves and be kind to yourself, you deserve it.  Until next time........