Wednesday, 1 August 2018

Depression and it's lies, how to see the truth in the dark.


I am not going to lie, I want to, but I am not going to.  I am super depressed and just breathing and moving is a hard thing to do this week.  I don't want to type this, I don't want to sit, or stand, I just want to lay down and melt into my bed.  I want to press the pause button and just be nothing, not moving, not dead, not alive.  Why?  The question that is always asked, why do you feel this way?  Trust me if I knew why I would stay away from it, so I never felt this way again.  My head can tell you the reasons why I think I get depressed.

I looked in the mirror, my pants are tight, I made a mistake twenty years ago, no one wants to buy anything I make, I am a loser, I am useless, the list goes on and on.

I can honestly say that one thing usually makes me smile, not happy smile just ok smile.

When I open my garage door (art studio that shares with a car), and I see something like this looking back at me.  A painting, any kind of painting, but dammit I love painting.  You have no idea how hard it has been just to get Aquaman this far.  I had to force myself to put some paint on it.  Here he sits, three days later, nothing being done to him, which makes me even more depressed.  

If I actually think about it, just the fact that he is there, waiting for me, gives me a sense of hope that I will break out of this darkness to finish him.  I do my best on days like this, but today I just was.  I did what I had to do, and then I laid in bed.  I let myself relax, guilt consumed me, but you know what, I bloody deserve a rest after this week lol.  I am covered in a rash again, I seem to be failing at everything I touch, my son hurt himself doing something stupid, I've been socialising more and that really wears me out.  Just being the only adult in a house full of kids is tiring.  I put myself out there and put some items on Etsy, but of course, the photos I took are crap, they are stupid things that no one wants and the list goes on and on, according to the darkness in my head.

I am still not in the mood for this blog, I want to forget everything, crawl back into my hole and starve, but you know what, I am not going to let that bloody disease beat me again.  I'm not going to let depression take me for too long again.  I actually got things done this week.  Yes I am almost a week late with my blog, but I am doing it.  I am here.  So, this week I will just show you some things I have finished, that I have been working on.  That my brain is telling me to just throw away.
I did two smaller geodes, that are display pieces.  I want to make a thing that they sit on, the word eludes me right now lol.  I prefer the green geode, and it also glows.

I also did a very quick resin tabletop, which I must admit I actually love.  I'm beginning to realise it is the unplanned things that turn into the most amazing items.

It may not look like much, my inability to function and take nice photos tonight does not enhance it's beauty.  Tomorrow I will put it together along with the coasters that match it, and I will take some gorgeous photos that I will put at the end of the blog.  I'm thinking "Oriental Swirl" as a design name.  It looks oriental but also ice cream like lol.

I also painted, which made me super happy, gosh I love painting.  I did an Art Sherpa tutorial, which I really wanted to succeed at.  My Mother says I did great but I have my doubts on her opinions sometimes lol..

My third try on this Whale tail.  I think I did better than my previous attempts.  This is an Angela Anderson Tutorial with the photo reference from Pixabay.  I did it, I bloody did it, all since I last uploaded on the blog.  I'm beginning to realise that maybe my brain tricks me into believing that I achieved nothing.

I could go on and on with what I actually did this week, but I think maybe you get the point.  I'm super depressed, I believe I achieved nothing, did nothing of value, but when I look back at the photos for the last ten days I see that I have done a fair bit.  I did something of value, maybe no one wants to buy it but dammit, I painted, I finished, I did.  I made this creature below smile, and laugh and socialise with his cousin.  I actually succeeded in getting some things done, despite my brain telling me otherwise.  I did everything I could for my kids and my family.  Even though I still believe that I am a failure, I hope to one day look back at this and think, hey, on my super depressed weeks I got a shit tonne done.  Maybe, just maybe, I am not the complete loser I think I am just because I have gained weight.  Maybe weight has nothing to do with achievements.  Maybe......

So, even though this blog taught nothing, had no goal, it actually made me feel like I helped myself a little.  Maybe I could help one other person realise that the darkness lies.  It's ok to relax, it's ok to have a lazy day, it's ok to mentally recharge, in fact it's required.

So when you have this week, or day, or month, take photos of anything you achieve.  Be it making dinner or watering your flowers.  Driving the kids to school or doing tax, don't let the darkness trick you into believing it's lies.  Take photos, accept it is a "bad week", and allow yourself that.  Depression is awful, it's hard to explain, there's no reason for it sometimes, it is impossible to snap out of, but believe that the darkness will fade a little.  You will realise your worth, your importance, your purpose.  You are worth it and you are allowed to have bad days.  Take photos, write, remember, anything, do anything to get you through the tough times.  Please, look after yourselves, and maybe obsess about painting a little lol.  Until next week, be ok.

I'm thinking if I have a plan maybe the blog will come to me easier, so next week I am going to have a tutorial about a father's day project to do with the kidlets.  It's almost father's day here in Australia, I know it's different in other countries but I will do this.  I will do it.

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