Where do I start? Feels like there is no point starting anywhere, I mean why do we bother in this horrendous miserable world? Why bother going outside when you meet the types of arseholes I just met today? They just reaffirmed my belief that the people in this world are, for the most part, not worth even giving the time of day to. I know said arseholes today will eventually get their horrible behaviour thrown back at them, but what is the point when I won't be there to see it?
I have been fighting this mood for a while now, but today it has won and now I just want to curl up in a little ball and cry. I don't want to give a shit about the world, I don't want to eat or drink, I just want to disappear. So why don't I? Kids, my kids. They can't stop this mood, but they can stop me giving up completely, for now. It is getting harder and harder to find a way out of this tunnel, and the more I feel like a burden to my loved ones, the more I just want to run away.
What is depression? Well, it is different for many people, but it always ends in the same damn hole that you have to crawl out of. Depressed is my normal state of mind, I have not felt happy or excited since I was a young girl. Nothing excites me, I have to fake everything for everyone in my life. Getting a present should be an awesome thing yeah. I have to get ready to put my fake face on, smile, laugh, all the while dreading everyone looking at me. Knowing that my response is not what they wanted. Or maybe I over did my "happiness", or maybe I should just go and shove my head in a hole, because I don't deserve their love or gifts.
Just normal depression is actually a relief for me, it means I can get things done, enjoy the sun, talk to people, go outside, go to my safe spots. It is the major depressive mood that I am in right now that I hate. I am so low I find it hard to even open my mouth to talk. My lips literally feel like they are glued together and when I go to answer someone I just give up. The voices in my head are very insistently letting me know how awful I am, how I messed up something twenty years ago, how no one wants to know me etc etc. The world just seems like a horrible place, and why should I be here if I can't do anything right anyway. That train of thought always leads to suicidal ideation, and I try my best to avoid that tangent, but it always gets in. Right now I want to lay down and cry, but crying seems so hard to do in this depressed state, so maybe I should just lay down and not move. Maybe it will go away if I do what it wants. Nope. It wants me to hide from everyone, pull away from my loved ones and isolate myself. Then I will have a bloody good reason to kill myself, but I will not let it win that battle. I know that I do not want to live, I have known that for a long time, but that said I do not want to die either. In amongst all of the pain and hurt and sadness, there is a desire to be here. To feel, to live, to experiment. It is just so hard to find the energy, motivation, desire, strength to get up and do the things I want to when I am here, in this own private hell.
Why am I like this? Well, according to all of the shrinks I have spoken to, they all take it straight back to my childhood, and they all say the same thing. I am like this because when I was a young girl, probably 9-14 years of age, my parents were not around. Let me say this, I do not blame them in anyway, they were working damn hard to get money for our family. They bought a hotel and they ran it. Apparently because of this "neglect" (I do not call it that, they were just being parents), because my parents weren't there for general conversation, or really anytime at all between the hours of 7am-midnight, I got it into my head that if my parents didn't want to be around me, then there is something wrong with me. The more they weren't around, the more I began to truly believe that the error was me, there was something wrong with me. I mean if your own parents don't want to spend time with you, who will? I just want to reiterate that this was not a conscious process. I had no idea their business was affecting me like this. From this little seed my hatred and anger within myself grew. The psychs say I could of gone one of two ways, where I am now, or if I didn't have empathy I would of become a sociopath. In my youth I did try to get rid of my empathy, I hated that I felt things about others so deeply, I just wanted to hurt them instead. But fucking empathy always got in the way, so I figured out the only person that I could hurt, was me. I deserved it, and no one would care. I still hate that I have so much empathy it hurts, I would give anything to be rid of it. Maybe I would be someone that's worth something if I didn't have it, you know.
I'm not going to go all over my history, but as a final slap to the face, I was left alone in an apartment while I was still inschool, with my parents in two different cities from me, no one else there, except for my school friends. Who very gladly came over to spend time with me, and drink, and smoke pot. So yet again I was left alone, and I still have no hatred or anger for my parents. They were not able to foresee the failure of the original hotel they purchased just after they leased another. Ok, I digress, I do have anger towards my father, he did make my Mum sell the only home I ever had, even if it was only for a couple of years, it was my home. His desire to be someone, do something, took over his desire to be a Dad, and fair enough, at this point I had already realised that my Dad hated me. How could he not, he never wanted to be near me.
That is all in the past, but I did find it interesting to know why I hate myself so much though. I have never told my parents this truth, there is no need. I harbour no ill will, I know they were doing all they knew. I love my Mum and I do not want to hurt her, and I know for a fact that she doesn't read my blog lol.
Recently it has come to my attention that I have Agoraphobia. My whole life I have been unable to go to new places, go out, talk to people. I have my safe spots that I will go to on a good day, and if I need to go somewhere I don't know, or don't trust, then I need a safe person with me. My husband is my safe person, as is my Mother and surprisingly my 5 year old son. I didn't go to my daughters' University Graduation. I couldn't make myself go and see Pink, or Christina Aguilera, ballet, classes, any fucking thing I can't go. Do you know how upsetting this is to me? It makes me hate myself even more, and wonder why on Earth I am allowed to exist in this world. I mean I am absolutely useless. Paralysed with fear over anything new. Why am I bringing this up? Well today there as an incident, and it happened on a street I drive all the time, but I can hear my mind telling me never ever drive there again. I can feel the depression and the blinding fear building up within me, all because of some arseholes. So I decided to type this, as a sort of therapy, and a way to talk but not having to open my mouth. It has worked in a way, I do feel like if I keep trying I can dig my way out, or at least stop myself sliding down further.
There is something that has been bothering me for a long time though. Anti depressants. With the majority of the world on them, or should be on them, why are they so shit? Why do they make me feel like a zombie? With no sex drive whatsoever, and putting on weight like it's the latest fucking craze? I mean how does that help a depressed person, oh you're sad, here put on some weight, become that fatty you truly don't want to be. Oh you like having some emotions? Well shit, on these little magic pills they're gonna make you feel like you're in slow motion and nothing matters, and I mean nothing. And that sex drive you like? Poof, gone. Why is it that no one can help a majorly depressed person? Why can't they help me? Talking does shit, pills, I have taken enough to know I don't want to take anymore, they all do the same and that is not worth the side effects they give me. Sure, they save lives, yes when I was suicidal they did stop those feelings, but they didn't stop the depression or anything else. So yeah, if you are truly suicidal then take them, they do help that. All of this said, they work differently for different people, so my experience may not be yours. It certainly cannot hurt to try, anything, to get out of this tunnel of darkness, can it?
I just want to say thank you for letting me vent, thank you for making myself feel just a little better by writing this. Thank you for being you.
So when you find yourself sinking, and sinking fast, try and find a rope, or a life boat, or any little sliver of hope that you can to slow the descent. I know that it is dark and lonely when you are lost, I know everything is too hard to do, but just remember that someone does care. Even if you believe there is no one, there is always someone, even if you don't know them. I care, I care very much about people in the dark tunnel. I am there all the time, lost and lonely, and I know how it feels, so please just know that I care, and so do many other people. Look after yourselves, even if it means just laying down and watching tv, or walking outside, just please look after yourself, and know that it will pass. It will pass.
If you need help within Australia, please call LifeLine: 13 11 14
Kids Help line: 1800 55 1800
