Why should I keep fighting Anorexia and Depression when it is so damn hard, I just want to give up today

 Fighting Anorexia and Depression is soo damn hard

It is a struggle each day to find a reason to get up, to move, to use up energy to get out of bed.  Yes my kids are my motivation, if I didn't have them I do wonder what would happen to me.  I am pretty sure I wouldn't be here. And yes my pugs are also my reason. Can't let a pug miss a meal, they'll die lol.  Lately though it is getting harder and harder to keep going every day.

I know I am in a dark dark place when I don't even want to "Art".  I cannot find any inspiration to paint, to sculpt, or a reason or desire to paint.  It's the lack of desire that worries me, painting has kept me going for a few years, but I have hit a road block, why bother painting when no one is willing to buy them?  Maybe they are not good enough, maybe I don't know how to sell myself, or maybe I am just too fat to deserve to have anything good happen.  These are only a few of the "nice" thoughts that flow through my head daily.

Just recently I was painting the chocolate Easter bunnies for the Art and soul Studio blog, and I was also recording it for YouTube, when I felt like a hammer hit me and I just went from "ok" to barely able to talk, move or paint.  The depression literally hit me like a bat, right to the face.  I had to stop videoing because I started to cry.  I felt like this for hours, but I had to get this painting done, so I forced myself to keep going, but I barely spoke at the end of the video.  I just want to know why?  Why do I feel this way, why do I have to have this feeling.  Why can't I be normal?  

I don't shower for weeks sometimes, nor wash my hair.  I always get up for my kids and do everything I have to do, but it is like I am a non feeling robot that feels too much.  Does that make sense?  I feel nothing, empty, but I also feel too much.

I recently applied for a job, for mothers returning to work.  First off they asked for professional references.  This bit broke my confidence a bit, I don't have any, I am a mother, nothing more.  So I got around this, and I actually got an interview (of course my head justified it by saying I was the biggest loser of the people who applied).  I recently had the interview, and the people conducting the interview were friendly and nice, nothing bad to say about them.  The questions I had to answer though were all based around work experiences and problems.  I got flustered to start with, like I said this job was aimed at people who hadn't worked for a while.  I had no "stories" about work to tell, all I had was my family life, so I tried to relate it back to that.  Meanwhile my heart was breaking knowing that I sounded like an obsessed Mum, when the truth is I just want to get out there and support my family financially as well.  I'd prefer that to be by selling my art and making wonderful YouTube tutorials, but alas it may not be lol.  Needless to say I have not received that phone call saying I got the job.  Good luck to the person who got it, well done.

I live in the past, my husband will tell you that, I regret having my daughters so early, I DO NOT regret them at all.  I just wish I had the same perfect girls 5 years later, so I could experience life.  I am kind of over that one now, took about 20 years lol.  
I regret gaining weight in the past two years.  I regret trying to beat Anorexia, because now I am what I feared I would become.  Fat, the worst thing ever to happen to anybody, ever (insert sarcasm there, I am joking), except I do believe it :(

 See, there I was, skinny, I never sweated, I barely got hungry and I could walk for hours and not get tired.  It was when I stopped moving that the exhaustion would hit.  I lost another ten kg on top of this photo.  I miss being that skinny that I would give up painting for it.  Unfortunately I know I will have to give up everything, including my family and my life if I go back to this.  It calls to me all day everyday, I cry for it, I yearn for it, but I can never have it again.  I just can't seem to get it out of my head.  The only thing in the world I was ever good at.  Losing weight, and losing it fast.  I am not allowed to date her again, to dance with her, to embrace her.

I took worse photos than this, my back was so bony it hurt to sit on anything, but I liked it.  No pain, no gain.  Why am I posting this, good question.  I have no idea, maybe it's kind of a therapy for me to talk about it.  I don't have many people to talk to, most people just want me to shut up when I talk about being skinny.  Others just don't know what to say.  All I know is that I miss it like crazy.  That said I never ever want to go back to the Doctors appointments every week, people thinking I am crazy, the brain fog and the inability to do anything.  I wasted so many years because my brain just didn't work.  What if I had of started painting then?  I'd be years ahead of what I am now.  Regrets, I am filled with them.  A wish I have.....that I got help earlier for my Anorexia.  When I was young there was only really television I had as a reference.  I believed to be anorexic one had to starve, never eat. so with that in mind I never was Anorexic.  How could I be?  I did eat, minimally.  Now I know that is a fallacy, but I learnt it too late.  So how do I stop yearning for something I know will kill me if I embrace her again?  Any answers?  Me neither.

 I hate myself for not being able to go to my eldest daughter's university graduation last year, that sucker broke my heart.  Anxiety won on that one and I will never ever forgive myself for that.  "She doesn't want to be seen with her fat mum," is all that played in my head for months. 

I gave my kids "the anxiety" and I wish I hadn't.  I am taking every step needed to get them the help to fight it themselves.  They deserve every happiness and I will fight for that, that is worth fighting for.  That is why I get up, because if they see me give in, then maybe they might too.  That is not acceptable.  They cannot give in.

I have considered ECT (Electro Convulsive Therapy aka Electric Shock), but I have heard that it takes away memories.  Memories of my kids being born, meeting my husband, getting married and of course, the pugs.  If I could be guaranteed I wouldn't lose them I would do it.  To get rid of the depression.  I just want to feel content, to feel something other than despair and emptiness.  Anyone had ECT?  Did it work?  Is it the magic pill I have been looking for?  Will it make me normal?

This is me, 2016, June, winter for Australia.  I can tell you that I weighed 34kgs here, I can tell you that I walked endlessly in the snow to make sure I got my exercise in, I ate some dinner, I drank a little.  I also threw up some dinner as well.  But this moment, we were all jumping off a little snow bank in slow motion, all the kids and my hubby and I.  I felt normal for a fleeting second, I enjoyed myself, I was normal.  This is why I keep trying I guess, to get this moment again.  Just one more time.  I wasn't worried about my weight while I was jumping, quick as it may have been, it was glorious.

So here I am, wondering what is next, because I was sure 2019 was going to be my year.  Do I get up everyday and keep going, yes I do, because it's what humans do.  Do I have to get over this damn obsession with skin and bones.  Yes I do, I have to but it's so damn hard.  Do I keep painting and trying to get better and find my style.  I don't know, I just don't know. 

Sorry for the sad downer post, I just needed to vent today.  I hope everybody is having a day, just a day, where if all you can do is watch tv, then watch tv and do it well.  You can only do what you can do, and mental illness is something that needs to be understood, because Doctors think they know, but they don't.  Like Jon Snow, they know nothing, and they are usually nowhere near as good looking as Jon Snow.  

Please take care of yourselves and be kind to yourself, you deserve it.  Until next time........

Chocolate Easter Bunny acrylic painting tutorial, two bunnies hugging in a field painting tutorial

Chocolate Easter Bunny Painting

Paints required:

Jo Sonjas Sap Green

Jo Sonjas Carbon Black

Burnt Umber

Burnt Sienna

Titanium White

Napthol Crimson

Cobalt Green

Hookers Green

Primary Yellow

Silver

Copper

12 x 16 Canvas board

Filbert paint brush size 4

Flat brush large enough to paint the background easily

Old stuff round brush for the white flowers

Old brush for scumbling

Rigger brush

Golden Glazing Liquid

Steps to painting some chocolate bunnies!

1.

The first step is to get excited.....it's almost Easter, Easter means chocolate!  Then grab your sap green and paint the whole canvas.  Let it dry and paint another layer of sap green. 

This is the point where you look at the reference photo I have provided.  It is royalty free and downloaded from Pixabay so you can do what you like with your painting of it :)  See the different shades of green in the picture, that is what you are focusing on.  Get your Hookers Green and your favourite scumbling brush (scumbling does ruin a paintbrush so use an old one or one you don't care much about) and start scumbling parts of dark green in the background, following the picture below. 

  To scumble, you place the tip of the paintbrush on the canvas and lightly go in circles.  To blend the Hookers green into the sap green you just scumble some sap green around the hookers green.  I have made a YouTube video for this painting.  I will add the link at the end of this blog.  Just keep scumbling lighter and darker green around the canvas until you are happy.  You should end up with something similar to this picture.

Now for the longer blades of grass behind the bunnies.  Using your rigger brush, and cobalt green, dip the brush in water and then mix it into the paint.  You want it watery, but not too watery.  About a third of the way up the canvas begin making long blades of grass, using sap green, cobalt green and a mixture of these greens together.  Fill the whole bottom third of the canvas with grass blades.

Using Titanium white, dip your old stiff brush into the paint and just lightly dab on some white flowers. 

2.

Tracing in the chocolate bunnies:

Trace the chocolate bunnies in using your preferred method, or draw them in if you enjoy drawing (traceable will be at the bottom of the page and also on my Pinterest page.)

Paint over the whole bunnies in Burnt Sienna, leaving the eyes blank so you know where they will be.

Then paint a layer of Burnt Umber on Daddy Bunny.  Work on one bunny at a time, it makes things easier since they are so close to each other and the same colour.

Using Burnt Umber and a small amount of Titanium White mixed together paint the inside of Dad Bunny's ear.  Using Black paint in his nose and the little gap on his face that makes his nose. 

Dry brush Burnt Umber and Titanuim white combined on Dad's belly, the inside of his ears, his head and his arm.  Paint white where his eye will go.  Mix Napthol Crimson with a little white to make pink, and paint that inside his ear.  Then using Burnt Umber make small lines on the edge of his ears, these are the imperfections in the chocolate.  Make sure you follow the direction of his ear when doing these strokes, look at the reference picture you will see they all go in different angles.  Mix a little Burnt Umber and Titanium White and outline the dark creases you just did.

Add some Burnt Umber and Titanium White to the inside of baby bunny's ear so you know where it should be placed.  Finally for Dad bunny, using Black place a curved line where his closed eye is.

3.  The Chocolate cracks..

Make lots of small little marks on the Dad's face, and ears, looking at the reference picture to get an idea of the direction they should be going.  The mix Burnt Umber with Titanium white and make lines around all of the Burnt Umber spots and lines. He should begin looking like the picture above.  I have a quick time lapse showing how I did this.

Continue painting the choclate cracks all over his body.

4.  Painting Baby Bunny:

Using Burnt Umber and a little bit of Titanium White, cover the baby bunny in paint.  Add the pink mixture to the inside of his ear.  Use some Burnt Umber to outline where his arm and ears and head will end if you need to.  It does help.

Follow along the same procedure for making the cracks on baby bunny as you did on Dad bunny.

5.  More strands of grass

Using the rigger brush and a combination of the greens you used before, place some long strands of grass in front of the bunnies, this helps with pushing the bunnies back into the painting a little.  

Place some more white flowers around the front of the bunnies too.

Using Titanium white paint the eggs in, wherever you want them.  Using white first helps the colour you choose for the egg to be seen better.  Use Primary Yellow for one egg, and Napthol Crimson for the other.  Let it dry then do another coat.  

Use Hookers green to paint the shadow of the eggs on the grass.

Mix the yellow with some burnt Umber to create the shadow on the yellow egg.  Mainly on the bottom of the egg and the sides.  Mix Yellow and Titanium White to create the highlight on the top of the yellow egg.  

Mix black with red to create the shadows on the red egg, and mix red with zinc white to create the highlight on the red egg.  You can use Titanium White, just be careful not to turn the red pink.  Zinc White is less strong and it takes a bit more of it to turn the red pink, henceforth making it perfect for highlights.

Decorate the eggs however you want, making sure if you want lines on them they need to be curved to make the egg appear rounded.

Using the rigger brush, add some grass strands in front of the eggs, like you did for the bunnies, and then some white flowers.

Don't forget to sign it......

My Pinterest page where the reference photo and the traceable can be downloaded:  https://www.pinterest.com.au/krystalrose316/art-with-an-aussie-youtube-traceables/

My Facebook Art Page:  https://www.facebook.com/KristinaObrienart/

I will have the YouTube video up for this tutorial by the end of today, so make sure you check it out:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OuMpBZtWkaA

That is it for me this month.  Hope you enjoy painting this sweet little Easter scene.

Lots of Art hugs......